just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
