Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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