You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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