So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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