genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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