I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
