I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
