This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
