How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
