We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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