Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
