Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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