when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize