Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
