just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
