you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
