there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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