If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
