You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
