Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
