I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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