Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
