girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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