U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
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