remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
