i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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