I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize