I wish I could punch you in the face.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
