What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
