I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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