I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
