you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
two words...techno handjob
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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