I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Never let your siblings swipe right.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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