Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
