this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
