I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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