note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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