Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
