um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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