P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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