I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
