my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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