On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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