is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
