my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
