I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i love accidental penises.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
