Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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