I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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