Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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