I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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