Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
