"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
