I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
