i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
