P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
