Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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