____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
