Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
